unconsciously

I have always been secure of my place. I knew what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I have seen the concrete, tangible results of my work and it was enough to satisfy me.

But tonight, as I open another Word file, I have begun to question absolutely everything. Why I am still doing this, what am I doing this for, why in the world do I want all this stress, and all other things. 

They say doubt is healthy, yes? But I don’t know if it is at this point. I have relentlessly kept myself awake for days but now, I realize, that maybe that’s what I just am today — awake. My brain feels like it is just merely awake, no longer being able to churn out good output because for the sole reason that it is already exhausted. 

They tell me to go back to the reason why I wanted all this in the first place, but right now, I really don’t know where to go or why I ever did want this in the first place. I can’t see it anymore. It’s all covered up by the fog.

I really don’t know.


I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did.

— (via hazelhirao)


Anonymous asked:
So he told me that I will always have a special place in his heart. What could that really mean? I sent him a really sweet birthday greeting and he was flattered to the point that he got emotional, he said he was speechless and that was what he told me, and that he said that 'cause he wanted to show me how special I am to him.

Well, I suppose it could mean a lot of things but most likely:

  1. You are special to him, as you say and that you will always have a special place in his heart
  2. He is one overly emotional dude that tends to exaggerate and to show you his appreciation through that message and while he meant it at the time, might not entirely mean it.
  3. He just told you that to compensate for your really sweet birthday greeting. 

Well, that’s the optimist-neutral-pessimist sides of the possibilities, but I suppose you shouldn’t dwell on it much, things tend to go crazy when you overthink :)


Officially, officially, in love with Passenger and this song is on top of my list. Ahhh, christ my heart. <3


Anonymous asked:
Happy Valentine's Day, Maedelle! :)

(Belated) Happy Valentine’s to you too! :)


I have always thought that Valentine’s day was full of bullshit, how it’s commercialized by hundreds of businesses, persuading people to treat their special someones on this day for the sole reason that it’s the day of hearts and love and all cheesy things and that you should be cheesy too, when in fact, it shouldn’t be that way because you’re supposed to treat every day with your loved one as special. It was just another day, only a day where bouquets of flowers could be seen everywhere and red and pink dominated every corner. 

But even though I think Valentine’s is stupid, I suppose it is always, and still nice to feel some kind of validation on this (supposedly) special day. I suppose that even if I thought this was all ridiculous, it would probably be nice to celebrate along with the rest of the world.

All this, I only realized today.

Maybe I wanted flowers all along, even if I thought it was stupid.


I get that you’re scared and that you’ve been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.

— Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars  (via hephapimp)


Anonymous asked:
Hi, kamusta?

I suppose I am fine, because elaborating on my feelings would probably end up with me rambling sooo, yes, I suppose I am fine and I hope you are feeling better than I am :)


  • I am in all aspects exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  • My deteriorating health proves it. I’ve been going through a lot of meds and my mother is growing paranoid
  • I wish I could feel whatever it is that I want to feel without having to worry whether what I’m feeling is right or wrong or what its effects would be and all that shit
  • Sometimes I have no idea on why I keep doing the things I do. Sometimes I don’t see the point in continuing.
  • I know I said it didn’t matter and I don’t want it but maybe deep inside, I do.
  • I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does…
  • …and who am I kidding?
  • "Follow your heart", they said.
  • I’ve been doing that all my life and for some reason I am having an excruciatingly difficult time to do so.
  • I don’t think I’m missing out on a lot.

  1. I’m currently doing an article on a writer, and it feels weird because it makes me miss the days I used to write short stories out of my own free will, not because I had to do them.
  2. It makes me feel sad that I haven’t been able to keep my blog because of my busy schedule, but then again, I know it’s not an excuse.
  3. I suppose I just haven’t felt like writing for a long time now, and it fills me with guilt that I don’t have the will to do the one thing I love to do.
  4. I have so much things to do. I just cannot comprehend how I am able to keep up with it all.
  5. I don’t even feel the sense of accomplishment I was expecting myself to be feeling.
  6. I suppose I can also blame the incredibly slow loading pace of tumblr as one of the reasons why I’m not as frequent here as I used to be.
  7. Sometimes I just want to be a cat and laze around and stretch all day.
  8. I can also be a bitch to anyone I want and it would be socially acceptable.
  9. I don’t feel like studying lately. There’s so much press work to be done this term and it’s enough to keep me busy and honestly, I’m just too tired to study. 
  10. The boyfriend’s busy with OJT and I’m busy with press work and it should be a win-win situation but it’s not. I am not used to this set-up, and it’s going to take some getting used to.
  11. I can’t wait for my lettering class on Tuesday. 
  12. Yesterday, I suppose, was a wake up call for me that I should stop being lax.
  13. Note to self: “Hard work beats talent when talent does nothing, so don’t fucking let mere hard work beat you, you little shit” 
  14. I only have one class during Mondays and Wednesdays - which is Spanish, and it’s an 8 AM class. Nothing could be more motivational.
  15. Not.
  16. January was busy, February is busier and I hope March isn’t the busiest but things are leading to that so, okay then.
  17. I want a massage.
  18. More than a massage, I want this.
  19. I really, really do.