Maedelle. I have a thing for trains, skylines and beautifully-tailored words. Inspiring the world, one step at a time. More?
So he told me that I will always have a special place in his heart. What could that really mean? I sent him a really sweet birthday greeting and he was flattered to the point that he got emotional, he said he was speechless and that was what he told me, and that he said that 'cause he wanted to show me how special I am to him.
Well, I suppose it could mean a lot of things but most likely:
Well, that’s the optimist-neutral-pessimist sides of the possibilities, but I suppose you shouldn’t dwell on it much, things tend to go crazy when you overthink :)
Officially, officially, in love with Passenger and this song is on top of my list. Ahhh, christ my heart. <3
Happy Valentine's Day, Maedelle! :)
(Belated) Happy Valentine’s to you too! :)
I have always thought that Valentine’s day was full of bullshit, how it’s commercialized by hundreds of businesses, persuading people to treat their special someones on this day for the sole reason that it’s the day of hearts and love and all cheesy things and that you should be cheesy too, when in fact, it shouldn’t be that way because you’re supposed to treat every day with your loved one as special. It was just another day, only a day where bouquets of flowers could be seen everywhere and red and pink dominated every corner.
But even though I think Valentine’s is stupid, I suppose it is always, and still nice to feel some kind of validation on this (supposedly) special day. I suppose that even if I thought this was all ridiculous, it would probably be nice to celebrate along with the rest of the world.
All this, I only realized today.
Maybe I wanted flowers all along, even if I thought it was stupid.
I get that you’re scared and that you’ve been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.
â€” Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars (via hephapimp)
I suppose I am fine, because elaborating on my feelings would probably end up with me rambling sooo, yes, I suppose I am fine and I hope you are feeling better than I am :)
I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and look across the bed with you by my side, and all I would want is to get up and get out.
I don’t want to escape to the bathroom in the middle of the night and spend the remaining hours of darkness on the bathroom floor, crying, with you outside the door.
I don’t want to feel alone in the same room, even when you’re there.
I don’t want to have to walk out on you in the middle of a fight just to hide my tears.
I don’t want to have to turn my back on you just so you wouldn’t see my muffled sobs.
I don’t want to feel that whatever life it is that I’m living, shouldn’t be the life I’m living. I don’t want to get up in the middle of the night, wanting nothing but the knob of the back door. I don’t want to apologize for crying, I don’t want to feel sorry for falling apart. I don’t want to resort to solace for comfort.
I don’t want to push you away.
I don’t want to make you want to leave because I’m a living wreck either.
I’m trying, trying so hard and so desperately not to have any of these happen.
And I don’t want to fail.
I feel depressed.
And no, it’s not the illness kind of depression that needs medical attention (or at least I think so), it’s just the everything-I-have-done-wrong-and-everything-that-has-gone-wrong-in-my-life-is-haunting-me kind of depressed. My unconscious blank staring has become frequent, my perfectionist standards is making my subconscious beat the shit out of me, and my fears have been on the night patrol, waiting for any sign of weakness so they could attack.
Lately I’ve been wanting to just curl up in a corner and stare into blank space and overthink everything. It’s like I want to strengthen my doubts and when they do get stronger, I do everything I can to resist. Like I’ve gone looking for an anchor to bring with me to swim but refusing to sink.
It’s like all of the ghosts I have managed to bury and run away from have risen from the dead and are waiting for the chance to devour me.
It’s just a jumble of negative feelings, really.
I think the worse part is that I’m finding solace in all of these. Like things are normal, like this is how it’s supposed to be.
So much is wrong with that.